Today was a very scary day for me.

 

To keep a long story short, I take a little blue pill every single night called Zoloft. It’s to help with my anxiety and  postpartum depression. A lot of you moms have heard of this, I know that, because You’ve shared your experiences with me about your own depression and have been my saving grace through my mini hell.

 

Well, I forgot my little bottle of pills on my three day weekend to LA…and let’s just say, by day three, I began to slowly feel my body slipping back into the darkest days of my entire life. Both physically and emotionally.

 

I’ve battled with anxiety and depression unknowingly, pretty much my entire life. It wasn’t until I had Maude that I knew just how bad it really was. Throw in sleep deprivation, non-stop crying, gassy and fussy baby, extreme highs, the lowest of lows, and I truly was beginning to not recognize myself anymore.

 

 

It’s the scariest feeling on earth to quite literally feel you losing yourself.

 

 

I remember feeling so resentful towards my life and everyone in it. I felt as if this little creature had come to ruin my life! I hated her. I thought she was ugly, and was sure that everyone else was thinking that same thing (projections of course, she’s perfect in every single way)

 

All joking aside, there were days I wished I would wake up and she would be gone..

 

I sit here writing this through cloudy, tear-filled eyes, because all of this is true. This isn’t some sick nightmare. This was my frightening reality.

 

I began having scary thoughts of hurting my own child. It would take everything in me to not physically harm her out of frustration. The CRYING!!! I swore it would never stop!! It drove me completely insane!

 

There’s so many intense experiences I could share…but for times sake, I won’t. Instead, I want to flip this nightmare experience into something that could potentially help one of you reading this.

 

If you feel alone in this, let me reassure you, YOU. ARE. NOT. I receive DM’s, emails, texts, and comments on the daily. But the most flooded I’ve ever felt with them (aside from any controversial topic I throw your way) has been whenever I give you a glimpse into my battle with A&D thanking me for speaking up, and that YOU struggle TOO!!

 

THAT IS BOTH CRAZY AND AWESOME!!!

 

How cool to know that, one—you’re not alone! And two—that if I’ve found something to help me not only cope with it, but THRIVE, that you could potentially too!?!! You should feel so comforted in that. I know I am!!

 

There’s a reason I forgot my medication this weekend. For a long time I’ve felt the need to share my experience with depression and anxiety, and how medication has changed my life for the better. And after feeling those feelings all over again this afternoon—I KNEW I needed to share this.

 

I’m not saying that medication is the end all save all, BUT I know that there is a lot of controversy about it, and coming from someone who has been SO skeptical my whole life. I can honestly say it’s the reason why I’m still here, my daughter is unharmed, and that I can wake up and go about my day with a genuine smile on my face and take on the daily challenges life throws my way!! It sounds extreme, but I promise you that is not an exaggeration.

 

Mental illness is REAL. It’s lonely, terrifying, dark, and consumes you quicker than you even realize!! Evaluate yourself and your loved ones if you believe you may struggle with chemical imbalances, it could be a matter of life and death.

 

Life does NOT NEED TO BE HARD, SAD, DARK, AND DREARY!! Choose HAPPY!! Even if that means choosing to get on the right medication, the right dose, or finding a way to do it naturally!! Just ACT! Life’s too short to be controlled by your emotions!

 

Love you all! I’m here if you ever need a listening ear, or have any questions. I’m no expert, but I’ve been there, and I’m always willing to help however I can!

 

And for those who have already gotten prescribed some sort of med, remember to take your pills kids!!

 

Demi.