Hi there!

 

A few weeks ago I made a promise to myself, as well as my husband, to post at least one thing each week to my blog. I wanted something to look forward to each week, something to give my life a little more purpose. But as it always seems to go, I’ve let a couple of crazy weeks pass me by, and I’ve once again broken that solemn promise.

Life’s funny that way. You can be SOOO committed to something, and somehow it still finds it’s way swept under the old rug.

So here’s to starting over, something I find myself doing way too often, and to recommitting!

There’s this hashtag going around that I’m sure some of you have seen by now. One of my friends Weslie Christensen kicked it off last week, and I love the concept so much. The hashtag is #MagicOfVulnerability. This is something that is so scary for some reason! And for how open of a person I am, that’s sayin somethin.

I feel that people often misjudge other people’s motives for being open and honest about their lives, (guilty) when in all reality, sometimes it can be the most healing way to move on from whatever it is that is weighing you down. Not to mention, how often other people’s openness has blessed my life and helped me with my struggles.

So THANK YOU! To Wes, and to all of the others who have been brave in sharing a slice of what a struggle life can be at times. What a breath of fresh air amongst all of the perfect selfies, travel videos, workout tips, foodie pics, and snuggling with your significant other! Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy all of that too. But it’s good to know that there are people who are willing to be real and raw for the potential benefit of others. I love what Weslie said, your vulnerability doesn’t have to be ugly, and might I add, so personal and accessive that you have people cringing, it can just be real and honest! like how I break down and cry every time I see an elderly couple, literally, every time! Vulnerability can come in all shapes and sizes, and to me, it’s a beautiful thing!

So here it goes! 

As I finished reading my girl Indy’s vulnerability post last night, I shut my phone and thought for a minute, “What in the world would I write about if I were to?” No one would care to hear about what I’d have to say! Right then, the first six months of my marriage popped into my head. Memories and heartache flooded me and I became overwhelmed! “But life is so good right now, I’ve moved on from that difficult transition”, I thought. And then another thought came over me, “But there are so many people who aren’t past that difficult stage, and may be struggling like you did, that could benefit from hearing about your story” And then anxiety. Doubt. Fear, as I tried to suppress the need to share my experience, excuses of how bad it could look if I did. So I decided I wouldn’t.

I woke up today, with it still on my mind, and not a good enough reason other than “what will people think”. So here I am, writing, not knowing exactly how to describe just how difficult this time really was for me, without coming off as the most ungrateful, selfish person in the world.

This period of time brings tears to my eyes as I think of it, merely because I can see how I was crumbling. I was giving up and giving into the thought of ending my marriage before it even had the chance to begin!

It all began with the engagement. A moment you dream about your entire life, maybe I had built it up too much in my head, but no words could have left Blake’s mouth that day and made me feel genuinely excited. Everything was perfect, and yet I still felt a pit in my stomach, like I had just made the worst decision.

Fast forward to planning the wedding. I often describe this period to blake as literal angels bringing everything together with the force from the other side, because I can hardly remember planning or doing a single thing on my own. Everything came together perfectly like it was all just meant to be. Those few months are a blur to me, mainly because I truly believe something bigger than myself took over the planning process.

I remember feeling ashamed to wear my engagement ring and being so self-conscious, once again, a moment every girl dreams about! People would congratulate me, and I could feel the fakeness of my response, which only made everything worse. Was this the wrong decision? Why couldn’t I force even an ounce of excitement? I would cry and pray and ask to know if the decision I was making was wrong! And every single time, I was overcome with a peace that the decision I was making was going to be the best decision I will ever make. Then why was I in a constant battle with myself?!

Time went on, and we would soon meet at the LDS temple to be sealed for time and all eternity. My anxiety hadn’t left me, and I was literally shaking on the drive over to the temple. I believe I even asked myself “What am I doing?” It was too late, everything was perfectly planned, and everyone I loved was about to witness me be sealed to Blake f o r e v e r. —>Cue Spongebob scene (forever)

I seriously felt like I was going to be sick. My heart was racing, and I was having a hard time getting a deep breath. I really wish I could say that all of those feelings left my body the moment I saw blake, or even after we said ‘I do’, but unfortunately that was not the case…Despite my feelings of turmoil, we were married. I don’t know how, but we were. The night went on and I tried my best to put on a good face and enjoy what was supposed to be the “best day of our lives!” But for some reason all I could think about was if there was enough food, if the flower arrangements were put on the correct table, why the lights weren’t on, the playlist (at one point I literally took over as the DJ at my own wedding) I was so worried about everything appearing perfect! And I now know why…deep down I was so uncertain of the decision I had just made, that I was afraid of it coming out in the night not going as planned. I wish so badly I could just go back and enjoy the little moments that I’ll never get back. But I was consumed with guilt! Guilt that I had made the worst decision of my entire life. How was I supposed to eat cake and make a toast!? Or say any vows (I still cry about it to this day that I decided not to do vows at the ring ceremony) What was supposed to be a happy care-free day turned into an internal nightmare!

Now this next part may be what I described above as “Too personal, or cringeworthy” so if you’re easily weirded out, or you’re my dad or any family member for that matter and you’re reading this, I invite you to stop where you are, and go do anything else!

I’ve never been more scared for a “moment” in my entire life. The wedding night…I was terrified! I had quite honestly lost sleep over it. I had this great fear that we both would be so let down afterward! I’ll spare the details. But let’s just say that I was partially and unfortunately correct. I was the one let down, once again. It felt so wrong! I couldn’t connect like I’d hoped we would. And all I could think about was every time my hand had been slapped by a bishop or the guilt I had felt for past transgressions I had made.

GUYS THIS IS SO IMPORTANT!  That guilt I was holding onto, was slowly crushing my soul! I hadn’t fully forgiven myself, and I knew right then why I was feeling the way I was feeling! Here was this perfect guy who had stayed true to what he believed his whole life, and there I was, spotted, dirty, and unworthy of his love, or so I felt, that I couldn’t feel the happiness that I deserved to feel in that happy time of my life!

Now just so we’re clear, I don’t blame anyone else for feeling this way other than myself. I hadn’t taken the proper steps to forgiveness. It’s funny, you don’t really think about how important it is to love and forgive yourself until you don’t have an ounce of self-respect left. I was on the road to healing, and it was not about to be pretty or easy!

The next six months of marriage that should have been filled with bliss, excitement, home cooked meals, and figuring out how to share a bathroom, was instead filled with tension and walking on egg shells. We had good days, and when I say “we” I mean “I”. Blake was never the problem, the issue rested solely within me. I was very emotional…VERY emotional. Nothing seemed to be going right. I would make dinner and blake would say it was “good” instead of “great” and I would cry. We would be intimate, and I would cry. Blake would work morning until night trying to provide for me, and I would cry because I felt he was selfish and didn’t want to spend time with me. I would wear something sexy and blake would walk in the door talking about how stressful work was and not notice me FIRST, and I’d cry. I was a wreck inside, so insecure, and it was taking a toll on us both. That was when I snapped.

I don’t remember all of the details, or what exactly we had been fighting over, but I lost control. Every emotion I had bottled up came out in a single moment! What I did next still haunts me…I slapped my sweet husband across the face and told him to leave. The man who had shown perfect patience, love, and never-ending support to me through my struggles. The best thing to ever happen to me, the guy I didn’t deserve, and there I was, screaming “I hate you” and telling him to leave. That moment still hurts me to this day, and will forever go down in history, as the lowest thing I have ever done.

Somehow it gets worse…I forced him out of his own home, wrote a long email explaining how hurt, lonely, and unnoticed I felt. That he was the worst husband and if he couldn’t change, I wanted a divorce. Now I know this isn’t always the case, but this is a perfect representation of what it’s like to be blinded by your own issues and to try to pin them on the ones closest to you. I had zero humility, and I was unable to take responsibility and face my own problems, so I was constantly trying to blame Blake. Meanwhile there he is, being his amazing self, loving me still somehow, showing endless amounts of patience and understanding, working his butt off to provide for us, and holding me up while I could barely stand on my own two feet.

That unconditional love is what saved me. I had to do a lot of work on myself over the next year, but what kept me afloat, was knowing that blake was going to stand with me no matter what. I believe that is the most powerful thing that we can offer someone! Love. There is nothing more selfless, honest, and beautiful than simply looking past someone’s flaws and weaknesses and loving them anyway. His love for me literally healed and changed me. I was able to forgive myself and see that no matter what I had done in my life, here was this perfect man that was willing to overlook all of that, and still see me for who I really was. I never realized how badly I needed that.

I can’t recall all of the events and hard work leading up to this moment, but I remember it like it was yesterday. After all of what I and we had gone through, I woke up one morning feeling so light and free. And for the very first time, I saw Blake for who he was. No longer was I caught up on the little things, I just saw him, and everything felt perfect. For the longest time I had the hardest time opening up to him and communicating my feelings, but that night, before we met his family for dinner I couldn’t hold it in, it was like my heart had finally caught up with my head, and the love I felt for blake, took over my whole body! I started sobbing, and apologizing for how I had been over the past six months, and thanking him for staying with me through that nightmare period of time! It felt so good to be feeling authentic feelings, not only toward my husband but toward life! I felt brand new like I had been given the chance to hit the “refresh” button.

There have been small bumps in the road since then, as expected, but nothing that we haven’t been able to talk through in a calm manner. There is a new found respect for one another that wasn’t there before. And I know it’s because I respect myself and was able to let go of the past!

There is something so freeing about being honest with yourself and others! And I guess that’s why I’m so excited that Wes started this whole thing! There’s power in being open about your feelings, struggles, and pain. And with that openness, is the strong potential to heal!! Which I think we all could use a little of.

I think why I felt so strongly I needed to share this with my followers and friends, is because so I often I receive comments, both online and in person, about how perfect my life is, and how jealous people are! And although to me, my life is perfect now, it’s not because of the photo shoots I do with my husband or the nice cars, or where we travel to. It’s because even though we have gone through rough patches and continue to, we are somehow always able to come out stronger and a better couple! That even on my bad days, or days where I feel my ugliest or worst, I have someone who loves me unconditionally and will never leave my side no matter what. To me, that is the definition of perfect. And It’s the only achievable form we’ve got here in this imperfect crazy world, so I’ll take it!

I’m so grateful to Blake for being the selfless guy that he is. He seriously longs for me to succeed, and that drives me every single day to strive to be a better version of myself! I’m always telling people to “Marry a Blake!” haha I’m convinced there’s no one else truly like him though, so I’ll keep him forever!

 

If you read this whole thing, you’re a champ!

 

And if I was able to influence at least one person in a positive way today by sharing this, then I feel I have accomplished my goal!

 

Thank you for your constant overflowing kindness and love shown to me through this crazy-weird-awesome social media world! Let’s keep spreading that love and positivity endlessly!

 

xoxo,

Demi